There have been many stellar players in the Video Game League (VGL), but only a few have earned the right to be called Super Stars. Because we have nothing better to do, we profile a few of them for your amusement. We assume that, because you're reading this, you have nothing better to do, either.
Mario "Jumpman" Abrimowicz
Career Statistics:
BA (Bonking Average): .372
Hits: 2,148,319
GBI (Goombas Batted In): 129,486
In Base Percentage: .648
Slugging Percentage: .590
Mario Abrimowicz was inducted into the Video Game Hall of Fame on January 19, 2003.
Abrimowicz was truly a pioneer in the VGL. He was the first Italian player admitted, and only the third player of European descent, following Eustev Pawloski of Poland - that little white square from Pong - and Natalie Borscht from Ukraine, better known as Ms. Pacman.
Abrimowicz's big break came in the Summer of 1980, when he was spotted shagging bob-ombs in a local rec league in Cincinnati by legendary manager Shigeru Miyamoto. Miyamoto signed him to a contract the next day, and Abrimowicz made his major league debut in 1981 opposite fellow Hall of Famer Donkey Kong. "He was a bit of a prima donna back then," recalls Kong, " demanding his own trailer and Japanese bottled water. But I think that might have been because he was insecure. He was carrying a lot of responsibility, you know, and his first game was pretty high profile." It's possible the sports world will never see a pairing of that magnitude again.
The Game
Abrimowicz is regarded by his fellow competitors as a team player, but also as something of a quirky guy, even an oddball. Says journeyman VGL fielder Kirby Pinkerton, "I remember him arriving for opening day of the 1990 season dressed as a raccoon, for Pete's sake. The fellas gave him a serious ribbing for that, until we saw the little b*stard jump. He was getting powerups we couldn't even see. Never seen anything like it before." He is also known for his on-field chatter, frequently using phrases like "Just what I needed," "Okee-dokee," and "Here we goooooo!" While this endears him to fans, it can be an irritant to teammates. Says legendary DS (Designated Shooter) Master Chief, "If I hear that little runt shout 'Mama-mia' one more time, I'm gonna go all Covenant on his a**!"
The Suit
There was some controversy surrounding Abrimowicz's Hall of Fame ballot. Because his career stats are unparalleled, the fact that the vote wasn't unanimous raised a few eyebrows. The lone dissenting vote was cast by longtime Abrimowicz foil Bowser Spinkenshell. More than a few columnists suggested that Spikenshell's "No" vote was motivated by his personal dislike for Abrimowicz. "There is no place in the Hall for partiality," said then induction supervisor Gordon Freeman. "Objectivity is essential to maintaining the dignity and integrity of the process. If you are incapable of setting aside personal feelings, then maybe you shouldn't have a vote." When asked about his vote, Bowser merely laughed a sinister baritone laugh, backed by a short, ominous musical accompaniment.
The Malcontent
While Abrimowicz's numbers are without equal and his legacy is assured, he says his greatest frustration is that he has never been able to make it past first base with Princess Peach. "I-a mean, how-a many times do I have-a to save-a da girl? Maybe I should-a just a-let Bowser a-keep her next-a time."